Christmas away from home

I found I couldn't write in December as is my monthly goal. I know that the anniversary of Mom's death will always come at Christmas- I remember thinking that when I sat with her in Hospice. I knew I was losing my sounding board, my confidant, the one who loved me no matter what I said or did, the one who was perpetually tickled to see me and would go to great lengths to be together. No other person else lights up when I walk in the room like Mom did. My dachshund does! But no other person. My husband and kids aren't effusive- they love quietly. 

What I wasn't prepared for was losing my home. Christmas comes and goes without going "home" for the holidays. I stridently avoided the Christmas song "I'll be home for Christmas", which is on All. The. Time, by the way. People outlive their parents all the time- it's the way of nature, I get that. But many families continue to gather together- out of tradition, their love for each other and, I think, because it's a touch of "home". Of course, as children marry, have their own kids, and develop their own homes, this happens less often which is how it should be. But occasionally, maybe even every other year, a family gathers and for the oldest ones- the next in line to die- it feels like home in a way nothing else could. 

My Beck cousins lost their dad early, and then their mom just a year after we did. Here are two pictures of them; they still see each other and are there for each other. 

Here is an in-law side of the family. Again- the parents have passed on, but the children still gather. 

We do not. While we like each other, with Steve gone, no one shares my desire to make the effort to get together. The first year we had "Christmas in July" and had a great time at an Air BnB. The second year, we could not find a weekend that suited. Again, this doesn't surprise me as many of our children have married and have children with activities. But we 3 remaining siblings could get together. I gave up trying to find a date last summer and Doug suggested we just go to Ohio- Rachel was planning on joining us but her dog got sick. 

So, now it's over a year and a half since I've seen my sister.  I grew up with lots of family always in the house. I was shocked to lose my brother at 35, further shocked to lose my dad at 64. But the biggest shock of all is that the ones of us remaining don't feel the need to gather. We do video-chat, the 3 siblings, but I don't think anyone has initiated it but me. Mom would sometimes say... I worry that you all won't get together after I'm gone. I always dismissed this- of course we would....

This is what losing one's home feels like. I know it happens to people all the time. I just didn't think it would happen to me.