Genes

 There is a troubling process going on with the telephone company board I chair. The general manager and I disagree about managing staff. I have done my due diligence, I have tried my hardest, I have met with the general manager several times, I have apologized when I thought I was in the wrong. The issue isn't resolved yet, and I am obsessing about it. Not in my rational mind, but it seems just below the surface. I lose sleep, or when I sleep, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up. 

It's a struggle to describe it- is it worry? Anxiety? A rumination to see if I can figure out a resolution? It's almost as if I wake up and the first thing I call to mind is what I have to worry about. Why do I need to find that worry? 

I have taken mindfulness training (which I don't practice). I know exercise can help one sleep (which I don't get enough of in the winter). I pray and read the Bible. I wake up and greet the angels and cloud of witnesses around my bed (that I learned from John Bell). And still- there is this undercurrent of whatever current worry is on my mind. I remember when our church was going through it's conflict a particular person didn't approve of my leadership, and worry about that was very similar to this. Perhaps it's relationship-related. 

Where does this tendency to perseverate come from? I wonder if it comes from my genes. My father Gene, to be specific. You could discuss something with him, like wanting to attend the school dance when our church discouraged dancing. You would think the conversation was over, and several days later, working in the garage, Dad would say, "So you want to go to the dance, huh?".... I thought the conversation was over but he was still ruminating on it. I know Dad worried. He was soft-spoken and was happiest home on the farm- he dropped out of high school in 10th grade because it was hard and he just wanted to work with his dad... so different than his loud and mouthy family. (It wasn't unusual for Mennonite families not to graduate from high school- Amish still don't). He was fourth in the family- the first two didn't go past 8th grade, I think maybe the next older brother did graduation from high school but I'm not sure. His younger brother did, but it was more common then not to finish. 

I wish I could ask him how he got his mind to let go....